Behind Closed Doors

I am pretty sure at some point in my teenage years I must have muttered, or wailed in some sort of adolescent angst ridden sorrow, that I wish I were dead, but I never entertained a thought of suicide.  I have been, I think for all of my life, a person who always had a hopeful outlook and a level of optimism that things would, whatever those “things” were, somehow work out…SO this week to have two seemingly “have it all” celebrities die of suicide has shaken me a bit, because I feel like it’s a perfect example of how we simply do not know what goes on behind closed doors, and behind closed eyes, and more importantly that what we think will make our lives “happier” or “better,” probably won’t.

My Instagram tag line, since I joined, was that I “love to cook and long to travel.”  These are the two things I would most want to do if I had all the time I wanted to do what I wanted.  I can’t count the number of times my boyfriend and I have watched a show that involved travel and food, cooking and eating, and said to each other “I want that job!” or “that’s the life of our dreams!” or a similar expression, so to have a famous person we enjoyed watching, who was doing THOSE EXACT THINGS, die by suicide, really shook us both yesterday.

I read Kitchen Confidential not long after it was first published, which was around the same time I started my Sunday morning love affair with the BBC television program Nigella Bites, and the Food channel’s Barefoot Contessa, shows that took me from being a person who liked to eat and cook, to becoming a person who LOVED to cook and eat.  The early aughts were the years I really started to become, or tried to become, a “foodie.”

We’ve watched MANY episodes of Parts Unknown, probably have seen most if not all of them, and I  follow Anthony Bourdain on Instagram, and it feels a little like the super cool guy at school who was your friend, even though you were not nearly as cool as he, suddenly dumped you and didn’t want to be your friend anymore.  We watched a tribute to him on CNN last night and clearly I was not alone in my thinking…he seemed a person who was really great to know.  Everyone who spoke had something to say about what a creative and smart man he was and what a loss they were feeling.  I never owned a Kate Spade anything but I felt sad earlier this week when I heard about her suicide too.  From what I read about her, she too was a creative person filled with exciting ideas and big visions.  All the means to do whatever one wishes to do, and all the means to have whatever one wishes to have, and still…not enough to want to live…it breaks my heart for someone to suffer so…

The thought that two little girls, just 13 and 11, left by these two famous suicides this week, now without a mom and a dad, both who appeared to be having “the life” breaks my heart into pieces…I think about my granddaughters and how heartbroken and utterly devastated they were when their little dog died, I can’t imagine how crushed and inconsolable they would be to lose a parent…and that the parent “did it on purpose” is the thought that keeps making me ache…how a person could be in so much mental anguish and personal pain that they could cause that level of devastation and loss to their own daughter just crushes me.

I made a strange meal last night for dinner; totally modified a recipe for salmon rice bowls, used chicken and had no mirin so I used vinegar, and it came out fabulously, which made me immensely joyful.  I have yoga today, and this afternoon my granddaughter’s dance recital, two things that make me immensely joyful.  I watched two humming birds at the feeder this morning while I poured my coffee, three things that make me immensely joyful.  I feel like I want to note details of the simple things that make me happy.  Two famous people, who seeming had all the things that COULD make a person happy, obviously weren’t made happy by any of it…

I have been surrounded by wealthy people for all of my adult life, all of my jobs have been those where I worked for, or waited on, wealthy people, and the older I get the more I know this much is true; they have more money than I do, and can do more fun things that cost money than I can, and they can buy more stuff than I can, but none of that really has a thing to do with finding happiness… the joy in a strong hot cup of coffee, the beauty of spying two hummingbirds at the feeder, the positive energy flow through the body in 75 minutes of yoga, the excitement and anticipation of watching your incredibly talented granddaughter up on stage…or any of the “little things” that can make life happy.

Nothing “outside” of yourself has anything at all to do with happiness, or joy, or gratitude, or success.  When you close your eyes, if all the things in your mind are dark, it really doesn’t matter what you project on the surface.  When you close your door, if all the energy in your space is filled with negativity, it really doesn’t matter how big or fancy it is.  Recognizing that a happy life starts in your own mind and in your own space, is, I think, a start…

 

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