There are many lives I can imagine, other than the one I am living, but how do I know that what I imagine would ultimately be any better than what is right here right now? I have scenarios that shoot through my mind day in and day out and I dream of things and imagine things and ponder all of the “what ifs” and while they keep my mind and thoughts from being just about anything but boring, I do wonder…is my wondering keeping me from the wonderment of now???
I honestly did not want to be married, a mother, and divorced all before my 21st birthday…yet I made terrible choices that put me in difficult and rather unbearable situations, that made those things my reality and yet, all these years later, I have these amazing little neighbors who are the daughters of my daughter, and my life is SO MUCH BETTER every single day because they are in my life…so I can imagine a lot of things… I think about if I had met a boyfriend two summers ago who was taking me to tropical vacations and spoiling me with fancy dates and expensive presents, but maybe he would not have been a very good kisser. I think about if I had never joined Facebook, I never would have ‘met’ what became a deceiving jerk who made me very sad over several months, but I also would not have later met this handsome drummer I love madly now, whose glorious smile, passionate kisses and superb loving melt me into a puddle of romance almost every single day…I think about if I hadn’t gone out that school night in the spring of 1985 & not gotten myself pregnant at a friend’s party house, I would have probably gone directly to college after high school, maybe I would be a real writer with a really good job and have a lot of disposable income and an actual career, but I would not have this beautiful woman in my life who lives next door and calls me ‘Mom.’
…maybe my life would not be any better than it is, perhaps things could be much worse, in fact I know things can always be worse…I think about if I had moved to a different section of Maryland in 1998, where I might have met more like-minded people or people who made me feel like I belonged…would I have stayed there instead of coming back to south Jersey a year later? I think about if I had studied nursing when I decided to start college when my daughter was a year old, instead of having dreams of becoming a lawyer which I never brought to fruition, where would I be now? what would be different? would it be any better?
I know some of my friends who are VERY good at living in the now, and who are very comfortable with just being at ease with what is, will read this and wonder why on earth I waste even a lick of energy on these “What Ifs” but it is something that I just can’t seem to stop…I do indeed waste a lot of brain cells wondering…I have had and continue to have, so much love in my life, and I know people who have had and continue to have so little…and I have had days where my wallet was much fatter and I have had days when my wallet was even thinner, same with my body now that I think of it!! So I am perpetually aware of the ins and outs and ups and downs, that life moves and flows…it is not solid nor stationary, it is ever-changing…I think now, this very second, when I finish typing and I finish my coffee and leave for work…what could happen…there are many lives I can imagine, and knowing how I am I don’t think I will stop, so I guess I will just do the best with the one I have now…again. today.