If you have never read the book Eat Pray Love, you should. If you have never seen the film Eat Pray Love, don’t. When I first read the book in 2006 I was ready for a change, but I did not know what kind of change. I knew I was unsettled, in too many ways, and a friend told me about this story, that I would enjoy reading about how another woman felt unsettled and what she chose to do about it. The first chapter, where the author is so despondent that she can’t breathe, can’t sleep, can’t BE, where she sobs onto her bathroom floor, where she suddenly KNOWS she no longer wants to be married, no longer wants to live in her house, is sure she does not want to be a mother…the “scene” she retells is gut-wrenching. I do not and did not have any scene such as this. I also have neither the means nor the ability to travel around the world to “find” what I need to be settled. To be clear, two years later I decided to build this house and move, and things did change and I did find a new way to be settled, nested, rooted. Reading the book did not change my life, but reading the book helped me achieve a new perspective about what it means for a woman to change her life, and that is a beautiful thing.
I had an hour-long chat with my mother yesterday after we attended grandparent’s day for my daughter’s girls at their elementary school. I walked my Mom to her car and we chatted about much of nothing and then chatted about much of something, and then she went and did it, as she is prone to do, said the “wrong” thing…Mothers, no matter how much we love them, or in some cases for many woman, loathe them, often say the one thing that gets your goat. As I am a mother, and as I do this myself, I am well aware that it is neither a deliberate effort to irritate your daughter nor is it a purposeful action to make the enjoyable afternoon chatting end…it is simply a fact of life that for most mother/daughter combinations there is one thing, one subject, one issue, one tone, one little spark that irks the daughter or the mother and starts the fire of ire.
“We are worried about you” was what did it for me yesterday…my Mom’s points were valid, and as a mother, I know and understand EXACTLY what she was talking about, and she made her points and was clear and expressed herself in a way that told me she really only has my well being and happiness in mind, as a good mother should, and I calmed her nerves with a brief conversation, succinctly made my points without being overly agitated, but the whole time I was trying to speak without being angry, or mad, or irritable over it all, I was thinking about the author of this book I love…THERE was a daughter to be worried about!!! THERE was a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown!!!
I realized last night that I have only to look into the eyes of my granddaughters, spend even a few minutes with those charming delightful humans, and I am rebalanced, and there is nothing to be worried over me about at all…I have love, deep unconditional love in my life, which is something many women never ever get…they eat here, they say prayers here & they love here, they chew, kneel, and kiss, they are the best thing that ever happened to me…sure, I’d love very much to go to Italy, India, and Indonesia to try to find myself, to have new experiences which guide me towards the kind of emotional grounding I do so often crave, but I can’t, so all I’ve got to do is open my door to these little girls, and there is plenty of eating, praying, and loving, to solve any worry in my world…