You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…

When I was 17 years old I found out that I was now going to be a mother.  When he was 17 years old, the man I am in love with, realized he was now an orphan.  I think about how good my parents are and have been to me, at least once a day.  I imagine he often thinks about how much he wishes he had parents at all.  I often say and write about my frustration with being part of a family in which I frequently feel totally alone, as we have so little in common; mostly just that we love many of the same people, and I complain sometimes that my parents don’t really relate to me at all, that I feel always like a square purple box in a family of red round pegs.  I imagine this man I love would give anything to have a hug from his Mom or a pat on his back from his Dad.  It’s very difficult at times to have parents you love so much who just don’t “get” you, but I am sure it is not nearly as difficult, at all, as not having parents.

My mother had an awful relationship with her mother and so I have tried for all of my life to be a good daughter and do my part to make the relationship  we have as good as it can be.  She loves me unconditionally and she is, for all intents and purposes, a very good mom.  She made me so mad yesterday, one little thing and the tone of her voice and I felt my whole body tense up…but I said to myself, “let it go, we’re going out to lunch and we’ll have a nice day” and so I did my best to let it go, but as I am her daughter, the thing that made me mad sat inside me like a disease, and grew and I dwelled all day about it.

I am you see genetically predisposed to dwelling on things and over-thinking things…So I decided last night that today when I have some free time I am going to call her and tell her what I feel and how I felt and get it out in the open and clear the air.  It’s MY problem, that I feel the way I do, not HERS.  In reality, she did nothing that should have made me irritated at all,but it’s me who has the issue.  I want to continue to try to have a good and honest and open relationship with her despite our frequent clashes on just about everything because I know, deep in my soul, that the day she is dead, all I will want in the whole world is to have her irritate me, just one more time.

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