One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, (please don’t mock me, I love the film) Ever After, “do not speak unless you can improve the silence,” says the evil stepmother…I love the line but seldom heed the advice.  I wonder sometimes if I say things purposefully or if I just don’t think before I speak; both occurrences leave me wishing life had a rewind button.

I have often said and written these last four months that I am happier than I have ever been, that I was fine before with my “alone-ness” but that I love life so much better now that I am part of a pair, a couple, a unit, and then too frequently, carelessly I utter some statement or thought that, as soon as the words have left my mouth, I wish I could take back…I suppose we all do this, we are after all only human, we all have failings and regrets, and make mistakes, but still, I can wish to be better at being human.

I started a mental list last week before my birthday of things I want to change about myself, both on my inside and my outside.  I want to change them, the list is not terribly long, but then wonder if I have the energy to do so.  I wonder if wanting to make changes has any value at all, or if it is only the success of changing that matters?  I am of the mindset that the wanting and wishing carries no weight whatsoever and that it is only the purposeful act of changing a behavior that has significance.

I drove out early this morning to get coffee and to look at the bay; the beach road in my town is finally open, and I got to see some of the destruction that the recent storm has left in my town.  The sky was black with a perfect white crescent moon and so many stars, and I made a mental note that life is seldom so black and white, it is vastly filled with shades of gray…we can be happy or sad, in love or not, fat or thin, rich or poor, but really, the reality is, most of us are usually somewhere in between.  Words are this way I guess as well…they have definitions, but the context in which we use them, or the tone in which we utter them, is part of the gray…words alone can be misconstrued, misinterpreted, misunderstood.  In my effort to be better at my humanness, I want to hold my tongue when the words will not improve the silence, because after all, there can be no misunderstanding from a quiet smile, the touch of a hand, a loving glance, a gentle nod, or a soft kiss…those actions speak louder than words…