I do not relax well. I want to be a person who can comfortably be comfortable doing nothing, but…I am not. I want to be a person who can sit and read for as long as she likes, but when there are other things that need to be done, or let me rephrase, I feel that they should be getting done, I can’t relax to read if I feel that NEED/DESIRE to tend to tasks at hand. I want to be a person who can sit and binge a Netflix show, or series, or sit and crochet while I watch Sense and Sensibility or When Harry Met Sally for the bazillionth time, but I am a person who simply can’t seem to EVER relax enough to be comfortable doing nothing but RELAXing.

Dear R*, You are going to do exactly what the doctor tells you to do today. He already told you, at your last appointment, that you will need to plan to miss several days of work and rest with your leg elevated for at least four days, preferably six. He joked that he hoped your had Netflix. You will do what the doctor orders and your leg will heal better than if you are an idiot and do too much too fast. That is all. With love, R*

I am having a surgery later today on my “bad” leg and when it is healed I hope to never have to use the expression “my bad leg” again, but I am old enough to know that if I don’t do the work of healing, the surgery to fix a problem will not be as successful. I suppose it is much like the lady I sometimes see at Wawa buying cigarettes whilst holding her oxygen tank under her arm like a purse and the hose blowing up her nose…it takes a doctor AND a patient, to make healing successful. It is not some self aggrandizing “look at me, I’m not a lazy person” thing, and it’s not, at least I think it’s not, some mental disorder, this odd inability to relax and do nothing, it’s just not me to be fine with being still.

What is curious is that, since I joined yoga, just about four years ago now, I have learned that my breath and my breathing and my thinking about my breath and breathing can completely control my mind. I take breathing at yoga class VERY seriously. When the teacher instructs me to pay attention to my breath I pay attention to my breath. I don’t let my mind wander, I focus on breathing…so my point is, I have the control of my self to spend 75 minutes many times a week focused on my breath and I think this practice will help me to focus on healing my leg…if my mind starts to wander to laundry that could be done, or cleaning that could be done, or office work that could be done, just like in yoga, when my mind starts to wander I pull it back to focus on my breath, so to heal these next days, when my mind starts to wander I will pull it back to focus on my healing. I might do an exercise where I close my eyes and breathe and do my yoga practice in my mind…I am kind of excited about that…to be supine, with my eyes closed, focused on my breath, and see the poses and the motion and the flow in my brain…to be active while being inactive. I simply am not a person who is ever comfortable, what?? Being Comfortable??!! RELAXING??!! It is absurd. BUT for the week I have to be comfortable doing nothing; nothing but sitting or lying down with my leg highly elevated, for a minimum of four days, and preferably six…Relaxation Station, I’m getting off at your stop!!!

To be clear, in the cold and dreary winter months when my work is significantly slowed down, and I really do have a lot more “free” time, and if it’s raining, raw, or snowing and I am home during the day, I do indeed LOVE to be here and not have to do anything. When those days happen I am so content to cook or crochet or watch a movie or write or, my favorite thing, go on a loud music cleaning frenzy, I mean this is stuff that makes me SOoooo happy, and I am VERY COMFORTABLE BEING HAPPY. Doing things that make me happy when I am “Stuck” home is not feeling stuck at all, but they are also activities that are not resting, and resting is really what I have to do, starting later today when my friend drops me back off here at home. To Relax, or relaxing, is just not something that I am generally comfortable with, but today it is a must…so I am going to go for it with full enthusiasm, I’m going to embrace the laziness, I’m going to avert my eyes if I see a cob web, I’m going to pretend that both my legs have to be elevated, so that I am less likely to say something like, well, I’ll just vacuum for a minute, or some crazy idea I might have to do something OTHER than relax. I won’t be able to use the stairs for a few days, so I shall not be writing while I am relaxing. I have a basket of new yarn and ordered Apple tv and I guess I am just going to go for it…Relax, Be Comfortable doing nothing. It will be fun to see how I make out…It will be fun to see if I can be comfortable just being, and my yoga of the mind is something that I am a bit tickled by, so it could be I might get off at this stop “Relaxation Station” more often in my future!!