…and so this story is starting at the ending…

Am I heartbroken?  Heart sick??  Heart weary???

Yes, I am all of these things.

Am I sad?  Disappointed??  Confused???

Yes, I am all of these things.

Am I terribly angry, am I deeply betrayed, am I unquestionably deceived?

Yes, I am all of these things.

Just so you know, before you read any further, this will not end happily…This does not have a “When Harry Met Sally” grinning couple at the end talking about their wedding cake, or a “You’ve Got Mail”  *somewhere over the rainbow playing* ‘I wanted it to be you so badly’ ending.  This ending will break your heart.  This ending will make you cry. This writer is writing these words right now, crying, because she is living the ending as she types, but she will gather her thoughts to get back to the start to tell this story from the beginning, and share the unfolding, and the unraveling, and the undoing of what was, for a time, the greatest love she had known, until it wasn’t. 

Just so you know, I am writing a bit every day as a healing process. I am writing a bit every day because it is free and gets the hurts out of my head no differently than if I were speaking to a therapist. Just so you know, I will probably keep writing until my heart stops hurting and I do not know how long that might take…the way I hurt right now, this morning, I might write until I take my last breath on this earth, or perhaps for some inexplicable reason, I will one day soon wake up and feel better and know that I literally did everything I could and there is simply nothing within my power that could have made this ending a happy one.

When you fell in love quickly, looking back now it was obviously ridiculous, AND TOO QUICKLY, there is so much of the, “should I have paid more attention to the red flags?”  questioning and self-exploration as the relationship is ending, and ending badly, and sadly…should I have paid more attention to the red flags than I paid to his gorgeous boyish face??  Yes.  Was his face literally the most handsome one that had ever been in my face asking, “would it be okay if I kissed you?”  on the night we first met, yes.  Yes I should have paid more attention to many things, rather than paying attention to his face,  yes.  His face was the most beautiful face I had ever seen and it wanted my face, my attention, and my laughter, and wanted so much my love…until it didn’t.  It was the most fun relationship and the deepest love I had ever experienced in my life, until it wasn’t…

When you are first suffering from the initial shock of the breakup there is, in my case anyway, a great deal of crying…heaving sobs of sadness and confusion…how is THIS person, the person who not so long ago was MY person, becoming a person I no longer know, and how did things change so quickly???  Sometimes I feel so confident that I will just  get on with my day with my head held high and with the understanding that  this is much like a divorce, just with no wedding, but then I hear a song on the radio or think of a memory and I lose all my confidence that I will be able to take my next breath…but then I do.

As of this morning’s write we have been “broken up” for more than three weeks, but if I am honest with myself, AND when the goal is to be healed, being honest with oneself is absolutely necessary, and to be clear it is sometimes hard to do, what was “we” was “broken” much earlier in the summer, and despite my almost daily efforts to regroup and reboot and re-do all that was coming undone, my pleas of “please” fell on deaf ears…