Solve for X

Sometimes I feel like life is like an algebra problem; you know that both sides of the equation have to be equal, and you have a variety of variables and operations that have to be resolved before you can solve for X.  That the “solving” is what matters…it ought not be so difficult right? Solving for X… I finished the interior Christmas decorating this morning and found myself crocheting baby blankets on the sofa in the early afternoon and turned on the show on Oprah’s network called Super Soul Sunday.  It is an extraordinary show if you are looking for inspiration, or meaning or guidance, or just wish to be uplifted by listening to people talk about what matters to them and why.  It’s a real question in life, to solve for X or Y, isn’t it?

Why things don’t go as we had hoped or planned?  Why our great expectations are dashed by reality?  Why some people come into your life and what on earth is the lesson we’re supposed to be learning?  Why you said what you said or did what you did?  Why it appears on the surface that some people flow so smoothly and why others seem to suffer, constantly and perpetually?  What am I missing?  What is the cosmic clue that I can’t seem to grasp?  Today I watched this channel for a couple of hours while my fingers wrapped around the yarn from my basket and I felt something I can only describe as an alignment.  I felt like I was “supposed” to be hearing these words.  It felt like I think people must feel when they go to church, like they are connected with something that they don’t fully understand, but that fills them up and lifts them up in ways that they can’t quite describe, but they certainly can feel.  I listened to three different authors; Gary Zukav, Sue Monk Kidd, and Zainab Salbi and the funny thing was, at the end of the talks and the interviews, Oprah asks them ‘what they know for sure’…and despite having very different journeys and very different failures & successes, and very different experiences in this journey of life, they all said something about how what they know for sure is that love is what matters.  So I found myself wondering; is love the thing that matters when you already have achieved financial success and security and have no other monetary or emotional or physical worries, so you can say, Love is what matters?  Or, is it true that all the other bullshit of life; the worries over paying the property taxes, and paying the income taxes, and getting out of credit card debt, is meaningless, and that Love is really the only thing that matters?

I feel like people who have no worries about being able to pay their mortgage are the ones who can say, and mean it, love is all that matters.  Those of us who are worried all the time, and anxious about our present and our future and our jobs and our work are the ones to whom love is not all that matters…all that matters is being able to pay the bills month after month as you try to get yourself back on your feet after a problem or a turmoil or a disruption…so it gets me thinking…am I being sucked into this cosmic worry, or is the equation as simple as X or Y = Love?

Is all this external nonsense just external nonsense?  Is it true that nothing else matters?  Is it true that when I am on my last breath on this big blue ball I won’t worry about how full or empty my bank account was but will only worry about did I love well enough?  Was I kind enough to those who mattered to me?  Did I let the music fill my soul?  Did I stop to smell the flowers?  Did I delight in the divine sound of the laughter of children or the chirping of birds?  Is all of this modern world’s ‘worry,’ just fluff?  Just smoke and mirrors?  Should I just let my story unfold, however it is going to unfold?  Am I in fact someday going to find the great and powerful Oz behind the curtain and find out I had the power to just be happy with what is, with both the nonsense and the lovely, all along?

Today’s blog is full of questions and not any answers at all…I don’t want to be so wrapped up in the recognition of what is missing, that I miss what is here all along right in front of me.  I suppose I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone.  Why do we say or do things sometimes that just make somebody else feel bad, only because it makes us feel better?  Why do we let what others do or say sometimes pull us out of our own gloriousness and grace?  Some of you wonder, just like I do, about ALL of it…the big picture, and what are we missing?  Why am I here and for how long?  I for one let myself get sucked into these dismal thoughts about how things did not go as I had planned, but does that mean that all that has happened has no meaning?  It can’t be.  It all has to be part of the equation.  It all has to be part of the lesson…right?  What is happening to each of us has to matter.  It can’t be for nothing, that we are even thinking these thoughts, having these worries and wonderings…I am not religious, in that I practice no faith, no rituals…but I wonder.  I wonder what matters.  I wonder what I can do better.  If it is all just an equation that can be solved, then can’t we just solve it?



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