Round and round it goes. Where it stops, nobody knows…

30 years ago in high school, when we were filling out the paperwork for our year book, we had to write a little blurb about ourselves and include a phrase we were “known” for.  I wrote for mine, “I’m so confused” which is odd, because back then I felt so sure of everything, yet I said this so often, as if it were some sort of mantra that would give me time to kill and ponder until I was definitely certain, about anything.  I liked my hair and I loved my clothes and I had good friends and lots of fun and had a job that I enjoyed and participated in school activities and clubs and also took dance and was certain, as in -not at all confused-  that I was going to get the hell out of south Jersey and go live in a city and be a writer…I dreamed, it seems, of being “Carrie Bradshaw” before Carrie Bradshaw was even invented.

I was certain, as in -not at all confused- that I was going to write countless fabulous words, and write a novel, or maybe work in advertising or do free-lance work for magazines or perhaps for a newspaper, and I was going to eat at a different restaurant every night of the week if I wanted to, and try new things every day of my life if I so desired, and wear great clothes and magnificent shoes no matter where I was going or what the occasion…these things felt as sure to me as any other things in my life, at 17, or so it seemed…and three decades later, full disclosure, I am in fact living in south Jersey, just miles from where I grew up and never made even one cent from one word I ever wrote, never lived in a city in a fabulous apartment and never ended up with a color coordinated closet filled with ridiculously high heels, and there are few interesting dining options in my town.  The “R” in RStar could very well stand for *regret* if I let it…but I don’t.  I choose instead to let it stand for re-invent, re-try, re-start, re-rise, re-imagine, re-examine, re-create…

I realize that the dealer in the game of life throws us so many tricky hands…nobody gets a Royal Flush every time.  Some of the cards we really can work with, and some of them are so F**king shitty that we just shake our heads in disgust and dismay, “what am I going to do with these cards?!” we might think, or “I’m so confused!” but we have to play the cards we are dealt, folding is not an option so just must do our best to make the winningest combination possible, round after round.  While it may not always seem clear, I truly believe we get better with each deal, taking the skills we learned and applying them each and every time and we try again and again.  It’s okay to be confused and it’s okay to wonder what might happen, but it’s not okay to stop, and folding every hand because you are scared is not an option.  May I introduce you to STEP 13…


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