Whenever I have an issue, a failure, a stumble, and I speak to my Mom about it, she listens, gives me her two-cents and then says, “press on dear.” She says this almost every single time I have an upset and has said this for most, if not all, of my adult life. I have often asked myself why I get bogged down in the muck of my heavy thoughts. I don’t like heavy thoughts that keep me up at night or make me unable to fall into my normal deep and sound sleep, that make me bicker with my boyfriend, that make me short-tempered with my grand-beauties…I like my happy thoughts, my *looking forward to the future and enjoying my present* thoughts, my *how lucky am I that I live in this amazing house and love my job which is never boring* thoughts…today at work I had a moment of clarity in what has otherwise been a very hazy couple months.
I have been beating myself up for months, weeks, days, whatever, over things I have done that I wish I had not, things that I can’t change, and things that make my ‘now’ far less joyful than it generally is…but today the view at work was breathtaking; the sun was bright and warm but not too hot, and the air was not muggy and there were no bugs, the clouds looked like some giant was dabbling with titanium white oil paints and a big fat brush, and I just had one of those, “wow, how lucky am I?” moments…I rapidly made a mental list of all that is right and all that is wonderful in my life and found, as expected and as I damn well know, that it was so much longer than the itty-bitty list of what is wrong.
I looked my beautiful boyfriend right in the eye this morning and said, “I like us so much better when we are crazy about each other” and without skipping a beat, he grinned that grin that makes me melt and makes my spine tingle and said, “when have we not been?” and I again was reminded that all that is ‘wrong’ is not as big a deal as I make it in my mind. My blessings far outweigh my curses. I have not written in more than a month I think because I have been having such a difficult time coming to grips with aspects of my life that trouble me, and last night a cyber-space friend got me thinking about how it is not unhappiness, not dissatisfaction, not anything specific that is wrong, but just an overall feeling, knowledge I guess if you will, that things are off & unbalanced, and I have to figure out how to put my pieces in an order that feels better and feels right, but today, looking out at the bay, feeling the sun kiss the dimples in my shoulders, feeling the breeze tickle the tops of my ears, all I heard was my mother’s voice, “press on dear” and I felt more capable of changing that which must be changed, than I have felt in so many weeks.