Remember when we were little, before our school grades went to A’s and 4.0 GPA’s and instead we had the occasional “I” for Needs Improvement? I hated an -‘I’- as a kid, because it meant that I tried to do something and did not do it as well as those who got the “E” for Excellent. Something in me is changing, not just my hormones and not just my sleep patterns, I mean something deeply within my being is happening, partly through my effort and partly just like this miraculous metamorphosis that I’ve no control over…I feel silly writing that it could be these books I am reading, but honestly I kind of think it IS due, at least in part, TO these three books I am reading.
Buddhist Book Camp, F**K It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way, and The Freedom of Being: At Ease With What Is two of which I purchased, and one was a gift, and all three are being read simultaneously and all three have tweaked my thought process enough to start this indescribable change I am feeling. Several aspects of my life have always gone swimmingly and several aspects of my life have frequently been not so good, and all-in-all there have been times where I admit that segments of my life have Needed Improvement, but I am coming to “learn” that they are just PARTS of my world, NOT MY WORLD…I guess I am achieving a level of understanding of the difference. When I feel sad or frustrated I am “getting it” that I am sad or frustrated about a particular event or personal issue, not LIFE…when I feel anger I am now starting to understand that I am having a sensation of angry feelings about an incident or a person but am not an angry person…it’s a lot of hippy-dippy words and thoughts on these pages but they are making perfect sense to me.
With each paragraph I seem to better recognize that portions of my life and my world are excellent, and so few actually need improvement!! How some stranger’s perspective on paper can help me see so clearly what was fuzzy for so long is a mystery…also, why I needed to read some other way of seeing the world and could not seem to GET THERE on my own perplexes me, but I guess it does not matter how or why only that I am seeing things differently…What an amazing discovery, to get to be THIS old and finally see the light!! It’s not so bad, it’s actually pretty terrific even when bits and pieces are kind of sucky!!…like a clementine, one dry segment does not make a bad piece of fruit! It’s still so juicy and delicious, it’s just that there was a sliver of bad…not a whole orb of awful.
There are people I know and people I love, myself included, going through rough patches every day; work, family, financial, relationships, whatever…there might be an “I” on a report card for an area that indeed needs improvement that is otherwise filled with “E’s” for Excellent. Each night I feel like I want to look at the day and make note of where I got an E and where I got an I and then I can try to make the next day better…Since I don’t know if I believe in “heaven” I don’t know if there is a chance I’ll ever get a final grade of life. I think for now I just want to keep on reading these books and finding better ways to SEE the world and how I live in it, we all just have to keep on improving where we can and being grateful for the ‘excellents,’ and keep on living…alright, alright, alright…