Whole Hearted

We are not new to this thing called love.  We are adults with histories and pasts, and who lived full lives long before we knew the other existed…We both once said “I do” to somebody else, we both have said “I love you” to other people, we both have shared living spaces with other people, we both have gone on vacations with other people, each of us both made a daughter with somebody else, we both have shared laughter and tears with some  other person at some  other time, …so there is nothing “new” really at all that I can do for this man I love that  hasn’t already happened, that’s not already been done by some other person at some other time…

I’ve had people SAY they were going to be good to me and good for me, and I’ve had people SAY or WRITE all the right words to make me believe it, and so I suppose too there are no words I could say or write to this man that have not been said or written before by somebody else at some other time…there is nothing new I can offer…we neither are, nor can we be, each other’s first anything…yet each time I catch his eye, in each moment of unspoken kindness, in each grin or smile, it feels somehow as if everything is new…it feels like my heart is whole, and I feel like he filled in all my curved lines and sharp angles with vibrant, brilliant, unimaginable colors, before I even realized  black and white wasn’t good enough…

Each day I’ve known this boy I’m going to marry I more wholeheartedly believe that all the days, months, and years that we lived before we met were practice…practice for a chance to do a relationship right and to be a good partner, to not make the same errors, mistakes, or poor choices we made before.  I feel angry with myself that when things are peachy, sunny, and going smoothly I am filled to overflowing with kindness for all and love for many, but the minute things turn blue, cloudy, or my life path begins to get rocky and our plans get thwarted, I default to a nasty moroseness that benefits no one, least of all us. That’s not being wholehearted, that’s being caught up in the minutiae, disjointed and focused on so little that is wrong, rather than so much that is right.  I don’t want to be a girl whose default is negative, better to be one whose default is positive.  I strive every day to be happy and to not get sucked into the vortex of this modern world we live in…want-want-want-more-more-more-me-me-me-I-I-I…I have love and a roof over my head, and  family &  friends near and far…I am living as whole  a life as can be.

When I have said unkind things or thought unkind thoughts I try to reboot by remembering our 1st date, our first kiss, those first days and weeks of that first summer“All in all, it was a never-to-be-forgotten summer — one of those summers which come seldom into any life, but leave a rich heritage of beautiful memories in their going — one of those summers which, come as near to perfection as anything can come in this world.”  I’ve realized that THAT is what I can do for him…I can try to make every season seem new, make every ‘I love you’ sound new to his ears…make every laugh & every smile feel fresh and unexpected, every ‘good morning’ and every ‘good night,’ every time I meet his gaze or reach for his hand, and love him enough that it feels new, over and over, maybe even til death do us part…

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