Goldilocks is sated

We walk into relationships much like Goldilocks walked into that empty house…full of wonder, excitement, and curiosity.  I have had relationships that, much like the porridge, were too cold, and much like the chair, too soft, and much like the bed, too small.  There was not necessarily anything ‘wrong’ with any of them, but none of them were “just right.”  I have tried repeatedly and made great efforts in my past to make relationships just right, or at least right for me, even when I knew full well that the fit was not good, or the temperature was off…I tried to find someone who made me feel full, a relationship that made me feel, dare I write ?, sated.

I have tried in my adult life to fit round pegs into square boxes & purple circles into orange triangles.  I have tried to contort myself or modify my behavior to morph into something, someone, who would be a good fit for somebody else…and every time I failed, although as is my nature, I always felt I did my best.  I’ve tried to pretend I was okay with too cold a bowl of porridge and too soft a chair. After my last break up & disastrous attempt to be part of a ‘couple,’ I accepted the fact that perhaps I was simply not compatible with anyone, that I am or was, too set in my ways, too determined to have what I wanted and not terribly interested in having less…much like a spoiled child, if she can’t have what she wants and the way she wants it, she’d just as well have nothing at all.  I became convinced that contentment with another was unattainable, that I was not a good fit for anybody and nobody was ever going to be the right fit for me.  I remained though, as I always did after a break-up, hopeful…believing that my time might come and I could find a person with whom to share my life, and that happy medium & balance, of a fulfilling relationship but one where  I would not have to stray too far from who I was and what I wanted, or what I thought I was and wanted, that I would be “rescued” from a life of wanting…wishing…waiting…too cold, too soft, too small…

Last night, Thanksgiving Eve, I had a house full of family for a feast…to my left was the boy who loves my daughter and to my right was the boy who loves me, and across the table, my Dad, the best man I have ever known…the boy who loves my mom…all of us together sharing a meal, laughter and conversation, and being thankful, together.   I felt last night, surrounded by those I love, in a home I treasure,  that I had all I needed…What I want and do not have are just wants, not needs, and the list is small…I can count them on one hand.  I reminded myself that I have more than many and am thankful for it all.  I sat in that chair at the dining room table looking across the room, into a space that I love, that both my parents helped me to build, that is next door to my child and her children, and I felt like finally after so much time and so many tries, everything was just right…

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