Blessed and Confused

I sat in the dark of my living room for a bit last night, just in the quiet, and enjoyed all the beautiful decorations and lights, so many twinkling sparking lights and glitter on just about every horizontal surface, and marveled at how much I love my house and my life and how beautiful everything looks this time of year…then I started to cry.

I felt a mix of blessings and confusion.  So many people I know have lost so much, some I know have lost everything, and now only a few hours north of me, 20 families have lost their wee-ones, and I felt drained.  I was thinking of 20 women, probably not much younger than I, who might be sitting in their living rooms right at that moment too, looking at their decorations and I could almost feel an ache in my belly for them, in my heart, in my soul, trying for just a moment to feel what they are feeling right now, as if somehow, FEELING loss would help me accept all that I do have.  I know it may seem silly, but it felt almost like guilt, that there is so much that is good in my world, that at least perhaps recognizing that it could all be taken away from me in an unexpected instant, is at least a way to be truly thankful.  I suppose if nothing else, this fall storm and this horror in the news since Friday is a reminder that we must take nothing for granted at all.

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