I’m certain, well almost, that I am not alone in this…the space in between my ears is often filled with opposing sides; of details, memories of events, of information, and thoughts about people-places-things, and all of those words in the middle of it all makes me feel positively overwhelmed at times. We are on day SEVEN of the new year and I suspect that many of us have had some deep thoughts this last week about all of that “new year new me” business…or new year ‘change how I handle my work load,’ or new year ‘change how I deal with my co-workers,’ or new year ‘change how often I scroll’…or WHAT EVER…you get my drift. It’s a very universal thing, I think, to think about oneself, and how one functions within the constraints of society, or within a family, or to think about oneself and how we FUNCTION AT ALL as ourselves, who we even are, this time of year. It’s the first Sunday of the new year and we have a whole year ahead of us to think better and do better and be better, if we so choose, or feel a need.

I noticed this last week on my facebook page, in the “memories” feature, that each day, over the last decade of the first week of the year, I shared quotes or poems or passages that made me think about how I want to BE in this life in this new year ahead, and what I found rather curious, or perhaps not, was that all week, when I scrolled through the memories, my only thought after reading the poem or paragraph that had been previously shared was that right now, this new year, I felt exactly the same…It became hard to ignore this week, that, try as I might to change, I am not a person who is changing. I am stuck with who I am it seems. Maybe I just want to be a better version of THIS and not change at all…so many ways to spin it.

I don’t suppose I am alone with this sensation of “if not now, when?” this time of year…if something I do, or someone I know, or thoughts I’m thinking, are just not working for me, not bringing out the best in me, not making me feel “good,” or behaviors are not benefiting me or helping me to feel like the finest version of myself, or circumstances are feeling unfulfilling, well, then what??!! WHAT do we do about it?? ANY of it?? …we change it, whatever the “it” is…OR we accept all of it, the good the bad the ugly. We either take the thoughts or actions and do something about them, or we had best stop worrying & obsessing about them, and just be who we are…acceptance I guess is a change too.

There is a line in a song by Eva Cassidy that hits me, hard, every time I hear it…the song is called “I Can Only Be Me” and the line is  But how many times have you wished you were some other someone than who you are, yet who’s to say that if it all were uncovered you will like what you see This particular line has been on my mind for days, probably it started when I was un-Christmas-ing my house, as I love an empty house with music when I am in the cleaning frenzy zone and I used to have very hard and very heavy playlists for cleaning frenzies, but this year I went with softer and mellower, I went with my playlist that I titled *Sing Ladies* that includes Tori Amos, Cat Power, Eva Cassidy, Joni Mitchell, Mazzy Star, Aimee Mann, Natalie Merchant…it’s 445 songs that is more than 27 hours of music and I just hit shuffle and every song is a good one. This season’s undecorating including an after Christmas caulking and painting job and then of course a total dusting of all books and reorganization of the shelves, and I treated myself, because of a generous bonus from a client, to a new frame and matting for a piece of art that I have had since 1999 that has sat over my fireplace since I moved in here, anyway, my cleaning frenzy was, as always for me, totally joyful and totally cathartic, despite how hard I work and how tired I am at the end of the day, and I laughed this year that I worked harder the last three days of December than I had worked the whole month before, but it was the kind of work that fulfills, me…THAT is another thing that got me thinking this week, about how I have always been this way, since I was a little girl and made my bed every day and always kept my closet organized and my dresser drawers neat…it’s just who I am, THOSE parts that make my whole are not at all things I want to change or wish were different. THOSE parts of me I positively adore. BUT…there is always a but, there are many things about myself that I do wish were different, and choices I make that are not the best to serve my higher self, benefit the greater good if you will… I guess, even if I am slow to change and fight my own self every damn step of the way, at least I recognize there is some need for change? Maybe that counts? Maybe if I did peel back all the layers I wouldn’t like her any better?? It’s a lot of questions for a Sunday morning…

I made a list, it’s short this year, of what I think I need to change and how I think I need to do it. I may check off each item on the list these next months, and I may quite possibly only get to one of them, and I suppose that’s okay, or maybe what I need to write is that I have to be okay with that. Maybe this first blog of the new year is a pep talk of sorts, to myself, and to you, if you need it…I was a cheerleader for all of my childhood and teens you know…cheering for others is what I once did best…and so I guess I shall now offer us all a cheer for the new year…if you feel stuck with yourself, if you feel stuck in some unfulfilling circumstance, if heavy thoughts are plaguing you, “Push ‘Em Back Push ‘Em Back…WAaaaaY back!!!” IF you are moving forward already this new year, and feel powerful, your confidence is soaring and you believe you will achieve that which you wish for, and you feel the changes happening, and it all seems do-able, well, “ALL the way All the way ALL THE WAY GO!!!”